我是一个在中国的大马华裔香蕉人！

I am a Chinese Malaysian banana in China

我是一个在中国的大马华裔香蕉人！

After a lifetime of being a visible minority, living in China is an oddly liberating experience, a life where I just melt into the crowd.

在过往的整个人生都作为一个少数民族的我，居住在中国是一种奇异而释然的经历，一种轻易就融入人群的生活。

Here in Shanghai, I am just another Chinese girl with black hair and brown eyes scurrying into the subway, mingling in the park, snacking on the street, shopping in the mall. No one can point me out as Chinese first and Malaysian second, or as an immigrant in the UK, or “the tall Asian girl” in my Canadian elementary school. It’s not that I’ve found my roots in Shanghai or I’ve come to embrace being ethnically Chinese; instead, I’m just darn happy I am like everyone else.

在上海，我只不过是一个黑头发黑眼睛的，像其他人一样挤地铁、逛公园、吃小吃、逛商场的华裔女孩。没有人能够认出我首先是个华人、然后是个马来西亚人，像那个在英国的移民、或是在加拿大小学的“高个子女孩”那样。这并不是说，我在上海找到了根、或是我很喜欢自己的种族身份，而仅仅是喜欢这种和周边来一样的感觉。

That is, until I open my big fat mouth, and the local Chinese person I’m talking to laughs at me, or worse, looks utterly confused.

当然，当我张开我的厚嘴唇之后，和我对话的本地人就会笑话我，或者更糟糕的是，完全困惑的看着我。

Because I can’t speak Mandarin Chinese.

因为，我不会说普通话！

I am learning, am enrolled in a full-time language course at a Shanghai university. But until I finish the course, until I achieve maybe HSK level 6, I refuse to consider myself fluent, and I carry this inadequacy like it’s my biggest shame. I am Chinese who can’t speak Chinese. A banana, the word that’s haunted me all my life. “Yellow outside, white inside!” said my aunties, uncles, classmates, teachers.

我正在上海的一所大学里面全心的学习中文。但在我没有完成课程，或者没有达到HSK-6级(汉语水平考试)之前，我并不认为我能说流利的中文，而且我一直认为这种欠缺是我最大的耻辱。我是一个不会说华语的华人。一个“香蕉”——一个纠缠了我一生的词语——正如我叔叔阿姨同学老师所说的“黄皮白心”。

So what, you might say. After all, there are lots of overseas Chinese who can’t speak Mandarin. It’s nothing to be ashamed of if you didn’t have the chance to learn it, or learn enough of it to be able to communicate like a native speaker.

我有时会说：那又怎样呢？无论如何，现在有很多海外华人不会说普通话。如果你没有机会去学习、或者是能够流利得像个当地人，这也不是什么可耻的事情。

But I’m not just “overseas Chinese.” I’m Malaysian, and I haven’t met a Malaysian Chinese person living in Shanghai who wasn’t fluent in Chinese. There are students of Chinese descent from the US, Britain, France, Sweden, the Philippines, and Brazil in my elementary level at the language school, but the Malaysians (and Singaporeans) are all high and mighty in the advanced classes.

但我不仅仅是个“海外华人”，我还是个马来西亚人，我迄今为止从来没有遇见一个居住在上海的大马华人不能说一口流利的中文。在我语言学校的基础班中，有那些来自于美国、英国、法国、瑞典、菲律宾、巴西的华人，但是马来西亚人和新加坡人都是在高级班和进阶班中。

Many of my conversations with local Chinese people go like this:

我和许多中国人的对话就像下面一样：

Local Chinese: Ni de *something something* de *something something* li mian bu shi *something something* ma?

Me: Ah… what? Sorry sorry, I didn’t understand all of that.

Local Chinese: Oh. You are not local?

Me: No.

Local Chinese: Korean or Japanese?

Me: No no, I am overseas Chinese.

Local Chinese: American?

Me: No, I am from Malaysia.

Local Chinese: Wah! Malaysia! Nice country, I hear! I have a cousin there!

Me: Yes, Malaysia is very nice.

Local Chinese: So why you cannot speak Chinese? The Chinese from Malaysia I know can speak very good putonghua, hen lihai de. Singaporeans also speak very good Chinese.

Me: I never had a real chance to learn… mei xue guo lah.

Local Chinese: Must learn properly.

本地华人：你的“什么什么”的“什么什么”里面不是“什么什么”吗？（用中文）

我：啊...什么？对不起，对不起，我没完全听懂。

本地华人：哦...... 你不是这的啊？(以下用英文)

我：恩

本地华人：日本人还是韩国人？

我：都不是，我是海外华人。

本地华人：美国人？

我：不，我是马来西亚的。

本地华人：哇！马来西亚，挺好的国家，我知道！ 我有个表弟在那！

我：是的，马来西亚很不错。

本地华人：那为什么你不会说中文呢？我认识的马来西亚华人都能说一口非常好的普通话，hen lihai de。新加坡人也能说很好的中文。

我：我从没有一个真正的机会去学.....mei xue guo la。

本地华人：一定要学好。

Or, the usual taxi conversations:

Taxi driver: So which route you want to take? Do you want to *says something in rapid Chinese* or *something else in rapid Chinese*?

Me: Ah… whichever is fastest… sorry, I didn’t understand all of that.

Taxi driver: Korean right? I can tell.

Me: No, Malaysian.

Taxi driver: You don’t look Malay? You look like Asian person?

Me: I am overseas Chinese, raised in Malaysia.

Taxi driver: Oh… quality of life good in Malaysia? High salary?

Me: Okay lah.

Taxi driver: Why you from Malaysia but cannot speak Chinese? My Malaysian and Singaporean passengers all speak such fluent Chinese, Singapore is near you right?

Me: Many Malaysian huaren can speak Chinese… just not me.

Taxi driver: Must learn. The other day I had German passengers who spoke perfect Chinese! No mistakes! They didn’t have strange accents like you.

Me: ……….

有时和出租车司机：

司机：你想走那条路？你想要“XXXX”还是要走“XXXXXX”？

我：额，管他哪条最快.....抱歉，我没有完全理解你说的话。

司机：我猜你是韩国人吧？

我：不，马来西亚人。

司机：你不像马来人啊？你看着不是亚洲人么？

我：我是海外华人，在马来西亚长大？

司机：哦......马来西亚的生活质量不错吧？工资高？

我：还好啦。

司机：那为什么你来自马来西亚却不会说中文？我那些马来西亚和新加坡的乘客都能说很流利的中文，新加坡离你那儿很近，对吧？

我：许多马来西亚华人都能说中文，但是我不能。

司机：一定得学。那天我遇见一个德国乘客，说得一口流利的中文！没一点错！他们没有你那种奇怪的口音。

我：............

If you are a Chinese Malaysian in Shanghai/China who can’t speak “proper” Chinese, contact me. If you are a laowai who speaks perfect Chinese, contact me too so I have more people to be jealous of. In the meantime, I’m continuing my quest to master this darn language, and get rid of the banana stigma, once and for all. Zai jian!

如果你是一个在上海/中国的马来西亚华人却不能说一口流利的中文，请联系我。如果你是一个能够说一个完美的中文的老外，也请联系我，这样我就能有更多可以嫉妒的人了。同时，我会继续努力去掌握这门高深的语言，甩掉香蕉人的污名，一劳永逸。再见！